


What You Meme to Me

by Llama1412



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Jaskier makes bad decisions, Lactose Intolerance, M/M, Memes, Nonbinary Jaskier | Dandelion, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23673004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llama1412/pseuds/Llama1412
Summary: A collection of Witcher fics inspired by memes. Just because.Second chapter: Jaskier doesn't understand why people are so obsessed with gender. Why would what's in their pants matter?
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 8
Kudos: 90





	1. Lactose Intolerance

**Author's Note:**

> So, my [last](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23601934) [two](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23194930/chapters/56822548) meme-inspired fics were really fun, and I decided it would be great to do more! So, if you have any funny Witcher memes that you want to see a scene for, please prompt me! I need things to write!
> 
> Thanks to [nanero11](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanero11/pseuds/nanero11) for the first prompt!

Jaskier wasn’t great about thinking through consequences, he could admit that. Usually after Geralt had saved him from said consequences and was busy cursing Jaskier’s existence and stupidity.

Whatever. Jaskier was a live-in-the-moment kind of guy. Future!him could worry about consequences. Or, more realistically, future!Geralt would deal with them.

Okay, perhaps he could understand why Geralt got all growly about it.

Still, there were some things that were just _worth_ later consequences. And this time, it wasn’t even something likely to get him skewered by angry spouses!

This time, it was ice cream! Delicious, delectable, delightful ice cream.

So what if dairy made him sick? That was future!Jaskier’s problem. But for now, current!Jaskier got to enjoy the lovely snack that was an ice cream cone on a hot day.

––

Current!Jaskier was not the one dealing with the consequences. He still wasn’t sure if he regretted it though. That ice cream has been fabulous. 

Now? Not so fabulous. Jaskier clutched at his stomach as it gurgled warningly. He needed a chamber pot, stat.

He made it to the room just in time, and dove behind the screen that gave the chamber pot a semblance of privacy. On the other side of the room, he could hear Geralt scrapping a whetstone over one of his swords. 

“What did you do this time?” The note of exhaustion in Geralt’s voice was uncalled for, thank you very much. Geralt hadn’t even had to deal with any pesky consequences for three whole days! That was practically an eon!

And this time, it was _Jaskier_ dealing with his own consequences. Which were as unpleasant as he might have guessed, but _ice cream!_ It was worth it.

A loud fart echoed around the room suddenly, and Jaskier could _feel_ Geralt staring at him through the screen.

Okay, maybe not so worth it.

Geralt sighed loudly, probably to make sure Jaskier could hear him. Geralt pretended Jaskier was the only melodramatic one in their relationship, but Jaskier knew better. No man who posed as effortlessly as Geralt did was lacking a sense of drama.

There was a clatter, and then Geralt’s footsteps approached the screen. “Are you all right?”

Jaskier buried his red face in his hands and his stomach continued to make him wish he had no feeling below his neck. “I’m fine.” Another loud fart and Jaskier wished he could die. “I had ice cream. And I’m not supposed to have dairy.”

Another loud sigh on the other side of the screen. “Why do you do this???”

“It was worth it! Ugh, probably. At the time.” Jaskier’s stomach cramped and he doubled over. “Okay, right now, feels less worth it, but still.”

He could almost picture Geralt squeezing the bridge of his nose in annoyance right now. It was funny how Geralt’s silences were expressive like that. Jaskier had gotten good at reading them over the years of one-sided conversations. “I’ll see if the kitchen can make some ginger tea for your stomach.” Geralt said with a longsuffering air that Jaskier felt was uncalled for.

Jaskier’s stomach gurgled again. “Ugh. Hurry, please?”


	2. What's In Your Pants?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on [this meme](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/665256880653991956/699453956962779186/image0.png). Jaskier doesn't understand why people are so obsessed with gender. Why would what's in their pants matter?

Jaskier had always found the way people subscribed to gender wholly confusing. Why would your genitals dictate how fabulous you can look?

No, Jaskier had never let a little thing like what people perceived them as stop them from dressing in the finest silks with the brightest and most eye-catching dyes. They were all about the finer things in life, and that included looking like a goddamn snack.

People got weirdly tetchy about wanting to put others in a box, though. Usually, people assumed Jaskier was a man – because they wore pants? Had they ever tried riding a horse in a skirt?? Not that Geralt let them ride often – though they made snide comments about being “too womanly”, whatever that meant. Jaskier didn’t get it – they were them, and they looked fucking delightful. What else mattered?

After a performance that remarkably resulted in more coin than food thrown their way, Jaskier carefully gathered all of the free food and stuffed it into their clothes. Geralt might think they threw food because they weren’t impressed with the bard’s singing, but Jaskier liked to think of it as their listeners wanting to see them fed. After all, the food was usually from their own dinners! 

Humming under their breath, Jaskier grabbed an apple that had bruised when it hit them, but still the juice was still fresh and crisp as they bit into it. They’d give most of it to Roach, but there was no harm in enjoying a few bites first. Roach wouldn’t know the difference.

“Hey, you, hold on,” someone called from behind them as Jaskier headed for the stables. They turned to find an older woman who had been in the audience and who had tossed neither food nor coin, Jaskier remembered. 

“Yes?” They put on their best charming smile. “What can I do for you?”

She frowned at them and demanded. “Are you a man or a woman?”

Jaskier blinked. “Uh, I’m a bard?”

The old woman huffed in frustration and planted her hands on her hips. “No, I mean, what gender are you?”

“...fabulous?” Just look at these gorgeous lavender silks they were wearing! It had cost the last of the money they’d taken from home, but it was worth it, even if Geralt had side-eyed them when they showed up in the new doublet.

“Fine, yes, but what’s in your pants?” She leaned forward and poked them.

Jaskier patted down their pants. “Mostly bread. Want some?” They reached into their pocket and pulled out a roll someone had chucked at their head. “It’s still pretty fresh!”

For some reason, the old woman threw her hands up with a frustrated shout. She stomped away, muttering under her breath.

“Wonder what her problem was,” Jaskier said aloud to Roach as he entered the stables. Roach probably couldn’t hear them, and almost certainly hadn’t heard the woman, but the horse liked it when Jaskier talked to her, they were certain of it. She definitely wasn’t just warming up to them because they kept sneaking her apples. No, it was definitely because they told wonderful stories and carried all the conversation on the road, since Geralt refused to do his part. Roach was probably delighted to have a real conversation partner for a change!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please send me meme prompts! I can always use a good laugh and writing these fills has been really fun!


End file.
